My transition to mamahood hasn’t been an easy or smooth one but it has given me so much in terms of personal growth. Mamahood has changed my life in many ways. It has especially made me unapologetic of myself – flaws, quirks, and all.
I was one of those awkward girls growing up. It seemed to be especially apparent during middle school and high school. I know a lot of people say this, but I really didn’t feel that I fit in. Thanks to genes I was skinny, very light skinned compared to my peers, and shy. Add being mixed race in a community where there were a handful of us – it made me feel self conscious. I didn’t look like anyone else and people made sure to point it out. When I would receive compliments, I would just have a blank stare or laugh it off. I never saw myself as beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, or anything closely related. Probably the hardest things for me was trying to navigate through life and accepting the person I was – quirks, strengths, looks, etc. Even writing this post has taken some time to be able to verbalize my thoughts. It’s been sitting in my drafts for almost a month.
Becoming a mother changed that for me. It was no longer about myself or worrying about how I looked. It was about this tiny and fragile human that was delicately handed to me. I see pieces of me in each of my children. The same pair of lips and skin on my first and the same large eyes and smile in my second. I see the silly sense of humor I have budding with my first. Then there is the determination I have that I’m beginning to see with my second.
I’ve had my ups and downs with accepting myself. The one thing that has been constant through out all of this is God’s presence. I would find myself feeling so low but managing to pull myself out of it once I poured my heart and thoughts to the Lord.
Proverbs 3:5-6New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Placing that trust in Him, with all my heart, has given me the blessing of my beautiful kids. Being blessed with both my children has only intensified that faith that I have. Time and time again He has given me tests to show me my worth, my own beauty, the beauty that he has given me. My children have been able to open my eyes and extend this further. They have shown me that they love me and see the beauty in me. This is regardless of what I’m going through, what I’m trying to over come, or how I may see myself sometimes. My children have pushed me – with God’s help. There will no longer be apologies regarding who I am. I am moving towards accepting my flaws, embracing what makes me unique, and starting to look at myself as beautiful – as God has made me.
I feel like I’m in a strange point in my life. I’m trying to transition to a career that is completely new. I’m trying to figure out how to be a Mama to two children. Trying to be a good spouse is thrown in there. I’m also trying to find some inspiration to get back into art.
Before the babies, I would pour myself into books and finish through them quickly. I would be able to draw or paint when I felt like it. Going out for a quick bite to eat was not a process that consisted of wrangling children to get dressed and my hair half done. Food was enjoyed and not quickly inhaled to ensure a toddler wasn’t wandering around a restaurant or grabbing everything breakable. Sleep? Well there was definitely much more of that.
I feel that I have done my best to take on new roles in mamahood, as a wife, and as a working mama. I have been doing my best to intertwine all three but forgot about doing things for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my role as a mama and as a wife.
Despite what I’m going through, I love being a Mama. My husband and I have our ups and downs but we’ve tackled so much so far in marriage. It’s definitely been a journey but there have been a lot of moments of happiness and laughter.
The working mama, well I’m still adjusting to that. I’m in that group of mamas that really want it all career wise but in the comfort of her home to be with her babies. Right now I’m doing my best to just enjoy my leave from work.
I think it’s wrong to consider mamahood as just revolving around kids. I’m beginning to see that it encompasses so much more. As mothers we of course put our family first and ourselves last. I always thought that being a Mama meant just that – family first. Being able to allow myself, yes allow myself, to have time for myself is something I’m struggling with.
I believe I’m slowly moving towards the woman I want to become. I know that woman that is strong and beautiful in her own way is in there, I see glimpses of it from time to time. A woman who is a mother that not only loves her children fiercely but encourages them to grow. A wife that continues to communicate, have fun with, and grow with her husband. A woman that learns to balance time for herself because she deserves it too. A woman that is successful and loves what she does, whether working for a company or building her own business.
So I will continue to squeeze in time for painting or drawing. I will give my boys as many kisses as I can and hug them if I can wrangle them in. I will keep scribbling down ideas to become my own boss. I’ll try to remember to not get too frazzled with everything going on but I won’t make any promises. Most importantly I will continue to keep moving forward to that woman I keep catching glimpses of and learn from this whole process.