It’s been some time since I’ve posted. It almost feels forever. I found myself in a strange place during the middle of last month. It felt like so much chaos was going on, not only in life but internally as well. Motherhood itself is filled with chaos daily. For whatever reason, last month just felt like a pile of chaos on top of another pile of chaos.
I’ve been trying to grasp at what I can in moving forward with my PPD. I have been reexamining why I’m blogging. Coming up with a potential collaboration series within my blog/site. I’ve been sketching ideas of a possible new venture. I also wanted to make a big change with my faith and relationship with God and began to do so. Blogging on here just became an after thought.
In the midst of all this, my family and I are dealing with the aftermath of being in an accident. Last Tuesday we were rear-ended while running errands. My husband was driving and I was in the backseat of our sedan with the boys. I remember turning to W and reaching for his hand. He curled his left hand around my thumb all while starting back into my eyes. We then we got hit and I watched his face distort in shock and fear. I think my husband started to swear. O was babbling something in confusion. I vaguely remember saying “What just happened?” as a ball of anxiety began to form within me.
Even thinking about it now it giving me anxiety. I remember getting out of the backseat through the right side, legs shaking so badly that I was gripping the car to support myself as I made myself to the left side to take W out of his carseat. By this point he was crying almost uncontrollably. O was just wide-eyed and asking for a snack. Throughout this I was praying. Praying in thanks and gratitude that we were all okay, the boys were okay, and praying for strength to be strong for my family. My husband was so shaken up that he couldn’t talk so I took over with talking to the person that hit us, calling the insurance company, consoling the boys, all while trying to hold my own self together.
Right now O isn’t too fond of car rides. It’s been some what of a daily struggle to get him to feel comfortable in the car. Enticing him with a trip to the park doesn’t even do it. On Monday, the only way I was able to get him into the car to a doctor’s appointment was if I promised that we’d go to a “plant store” after. Right now all I can do is pray and take it one day at a time with him. This has resulted in putting some of my own personal things aside, mainly making progress with overcoming my PPD. It definitely has not been easy since I’m still dealing with pains and headaches from the accident. I know they say that you have to take care of yourself first to help others. However right now, my kids need me the most.
I’m not even angry with the person that hit us even despite what we’re going through no because of it. What would holding onto that anger do? Absolutely nothing that would be able to help myself or my family right now. It also could have been much worse but it wasn’t.
This accident has shown me that I indeed can overcome my anxiety and collect myself more than I realized. It has shown me that there is no better time than right now to start something I’ve been wanting/thinking to do. The accident has reminded me to keep pushing forward. It also has shown me that rather than giving in, I pray. Praying has been providing me so much comfort. Praying and seeking guidance from Him is what is keeping me moving forward right now amidst all the chaos – motherhood and life.
So I may not be blogging as much. I may not be on twitter as much. I may be using Instagram more. I may also be focusing on other ventures. I will continue on growing my relationship with God and practicing more mindfulness. More importantly, I’m trying to work through all the chaos, not just for myself but for my family too.