Breaking My Social Media Hiatus.

I actually didn’t think I would be back on here.  The internet, social media, for that matter.   My health was taking a turn mid-last year.  I began to notice it but the problem didn’t really present itself until late last year.  At that point I decided to place all my energy into my health and my family and I didn’t even hesitate when I went on a social media hiatus.

I went radio silent on my mom-comment groups, social media accounts, collaboration emails, and this blog.  I just left it.  Classes and my approaching graduation date was placed on hold too.  At that time, it didn’t matter.  I didn’t know what was going on with me health-wise.  The next 5 months were spent focusing on trying to figure out what was wrong.  Doctor visits, lab tests, scans, medication consultations became my routine at that point.

It really is a strange feeling to go back to something that was part of your routine for so long.  It is equally as strange to fall out of the routine that has been a part of the last 5 months.  On the day that I received the news that everything was in the clear and my health was heading toward a positive direction, I was also presented with something I was not expecting.

I was 3 months pregnant.

Shock, happiness, and fear came over all at once.  Shocked because getting pregnant was unexpected.  Happiness due to receiving news that my health was improving.  Fear?  Well, 3 kids so close in age?  It was a fear-panic.

Wishful thinking trying to get the boys in on the bumpdate 😉

As I’m typing this, I am just a little over 18 weeks pregnant.  Enjoying this pregnancy as the nausea is limited and the hyperemesis I experienced my last pregnancy is non-existent.  We’ll be finding out the sex of the baby in 2 weeks but we have our suspicions 🙂

I genuinely appreciate the messages that I received while I was on my social media hiatus.  I actually didn’t get to read any of them until a few days ago when I felt like, “ok, maybe I can do this again.” I truly missed seeing your daily photos and posts.

The last 5 months have changed a lot of things for me.  The direction that I want to go with my career and the overall focus I want to give my family.  I’m really not sure what that means for my blog and any related social media accounts.  At this point, I’m just taking it one day at a time.  Hope you all bear with me as I figure it out!

On to New Adventures

It feels daunting thinking about a move to a new neighborhood and changing all that is familiar not only for myself but for my kids as well.
It feels daunting thinking about a move to a new neighborhood and changing all that is familiar not only for myself but for my kids as well.

With two kids our two bedroom condo was starting to feel so small.  The condo was perfect when it was just my husband and myself.  It was also perfect when O was born since we weren’t anticipating having another child so soon.  Now that W is mobile and the toys are starting to take over (a sarcastic but loving thank you godparents!), my husband and I decided we needed to to find a new place.

Troublemaker

We saw maybe 8 homes and only saw 1 that we felt was right for us.  Our offer was drawn up and honestly we were anticipating that this home would not be ours.  We were so shocked to find that our first offer ever was accepted!  Now that we’re gearing up to move, I think it’s finally hit me that we’re really leaving.

The whole home buying process was stressful, anxiety filled, emotional, and faster than I thought it would be.  As someone with PPD and PPA, this was not an ideal situation for me.  It was during this time that my health took a turn and I took a step back from social media because of the overwhelm I was feeling.

Shirt from: Nestle & Thyme
Shirt from: Nestle & Thyme

There are so many memories attached to this condo.  Both boys have spent their first year here.  They took their first steps and falls here.  I’ve watched their sibling bond grow here.  Our neighbors are so friendly and sweet.  We know the area so well and my job and husband’s job are so close that freeways aren’t needed.  Our friends live so close, heck one of our best friends/O’s Godfather lives down the street.  I could go on, with the many memories and reasons why it’s hard to leave this condo and this neighborhood in general.

However in the end my husband and I were thinking about what would be the next step for our family – the best step for our family.  We may be further away from friends and our jobs but ultimately it’s the best move for the kids.

I’m definitely not as sad as I thought I would be but that may change on our moving day and once I see this place empty.  Looking forward to this new blessing that He has given us.  I’m looking forward to creating new memories.  Who knows, He may lead us back to this same area later on down the road.

Most of all, I’m just feeling blessed that I’m on this new adventure with the ones that I love.

P.S. Want a Nestle & Thyme shirt?  The ladies of Nestle & Thyme were so sweet to offer a 20% off code for my followers.  Use ENJOY20 to get one for yourself a shirt like mine or one of their other products.  Definitely check out the shirts they have not only for yourself but your little ones as well!

signed, dee

 

Small Gestures

Sometimes the smallest of gestures can be the biggest.
Sometimes the smallest of gestures can be the biggest.

I’ve been a mama of two for almost a year now but I still feel like I’m getting a handle on things. I do have days where although I feel somewhat overwhelmed, that I do have a handle on things.

It seems like it’s always tough after a long weekend, especially a long holiday weekend.  We didn’t have the greatest of nights due to residual fireworks and excitement.  O didn’t fall asleep until well pass midnight but managed to wake up early like he normally does.  After a cup of coffee, we set off to do errands.

I found a garden center near our place so I wanted to make a stop there to let O explore.  He couldn’t get enough of the place.  O couldn’t walk anywhere fast enough.  Well more like I couldn’t walk fast enough.  He was pulling on my arm to places and decided that he would be better off venturing ahead while I caught up.  I definitely didn’t mind since we had the place to ourselves and the people working there were so sweet as O approached them.

My little garden center explorer.

Three stores later, including the quick trip to a garden center, both boys were ready for lunch and a nap.  However, my gas tank had other plans.  I have a hybrid vehicle so stops at the gas station aren’t frequent and I tend to not look at my gas tank gauge as much anymore because of it.  We made a stop at a gas station that turned out to be nothing but quick.

The lines to gas up cars were long but for whatever reason it didn’t bother me even with O being relentless with asking to move the car and W whimpering in the back because he was over being in his carseat.  I think if this occurred a few months back, my PPD/PPA would have got the best of me.  I would have probably started to get anxious since both kids were getting restless and there was nothing I could do about it.

When we did get to a pump.  I didn’t realize the credit card/debit machine wasn’t working.  Again, this is something that could have easily created an moment of anxiety.  However, I scooped both kids up and headed inside the gas station store to pay.  O seemed excited with the prospect of going into a place he’s never been before while W was content being in the baby carrier.  As I was explaining the situation to the owner of the store, he began to apologize for the trouble.  I kept reassuring him that it really was not an issue.

As we made our way back to the car to pump, a gentlemen that was pumping near our car smiled and asked if I needed help with putting gas in the car.  I reassured him that it was fine and thanked him but he insisted.  He pumped gas in my car and explained that he also has two children that are close in age and remembers how difficult it would be to run errands with both when they were so young.  I offered to pay for some of his gas since I was so thankful for the help but yet again he insisted that it was fine and that he already pumped gas.

Then as I was placing O in his carseat, one of the gas station workers ran up and asked if I needed help.  He started trying to open the gas tank and asked what gas I needed.  It took some time to explain that my car was already gassed up since there was a language barrier.  Apparently the owner felt so bad that he told one of his employees to gas my car up for me.  Again, I was feeling incredibly grateful at the small gestures of kindness the boys are I were receiving.

Just small gestures like that – offering to put gas in someone’s car – can make a difference.  It just shows that there are so many small pockets of kindness that occur or can occur during your day.  Simply smiling at someone, greeting someone as they walk by, holding open a door for someone, or even just asking someone if they need help.  These gestures may seem small but can mean so much.  They can also be needed.

In a world where everyone seems so busy and where people often choose to walk by someone that needs help, such small gestures are heartwarming.  The day is only halfway through for us but I feel like it’s been a great one already.  Not only do I feel grateful for such kind gestures but I’m pretty darn proud of myself for not letting my PPD/PPA get the best of me today.  It’s all about the baby steps.  It’s about trying to remember to focus on important things.  Here is to more days with fun adventures, conquering personal battles, and kind gestures not only from other people but to do more of them myself.

signed, dee

The Daunting Task: Raising the Future.

The Daunting Task of Raising the Future

You’re raising the future.

That statement alone is not only scary to read but to say as well.  with such recent events like the Orlando shooting and the Stanford rapist’s sentence it especially feels daunting.  I’ll admit that with what my family and I have recently gone through, watching and reading the news about those recent events has left me even more anxious and some what paranoid.

Getting into a car with them, I worry because I know I can drive as safe as I possibly can but I can’t be sure how other people will drive.  I worry about going to the store with my boys, worried that some one could just appear with a gun (or a number of them) and just start shooting people without a care.

Believe me, I don’t want to think this way.  I don’t want to feel so anxious that I let it overcome me and don’t take my kids out because it means driving in a car.  I don’t want to feel suspicious of people around me while I shop or go to an amusement park with my kids.  I want to cry that this is the world I’m raising my children in. A world where there are many that only see color, gender, sexual preference, or religion as means to judge people.  A world where we do not see people as humans.

I want to inspire my children to see people as humans.  As individuals with different perspectives.  Individual humans with emotions.  I want them to see that each individual human comes from a different background and upbringing.  They have had situations and experiences that have shaped them to be such individuals.  I really hope that they see that individual humans that have more to offer than their outward appearance.

I know there will be a day where I can't walk behind them or hold them close to my hip to protect them
I know there will be a day where I can’t walk behind them or hold them close to my hip to protect them.

Raising the future? More of, how do I envision my children to be like in the future?  Happy, independent, hard working, and well mannered of course.  I also want them to be decent human beings.

I know that I can only instill as much kindness, understanding, strength, and human decency as I possibly can starting the day they began growing in me. They have made me not only feeling blessed that God has given me the ability to care for them in the womb but help shape them as individuals as well.  I try my best to be mindful in not only how I react to situations as a mama but to others as well.  I see them carefully watching my facial expressions, my reactions, and my body language when I interact with people.  I want them to see that each person deserves compassion and understanding even if it may not seem like it all the time.  I hope that they reflect how they would like to be treated by others outward so it is reflected right back to them.

We’re definitely raising the future. A future that I hope is filled with more compassion, understanding, and light.

signed, dee

Amidst all the Motherhood Chaos.

Motherhood is chaotic in itself, add the rest of life, well it can be overwhelming at the least.
Motherhood is chaotic in itself, add the rest of life, well it can be overwhelming at the least.

It’s been some time since I’ve posted.  It almost feels forever.  I found myself in a strange place during the middle of last month.  It felt like so much chaos was going on, not only in life but internally as well.  Motherhood itself is filled with chaos daily.  For whatever reason, last month just felt like a pile of chaos on top of another pile of chaos.

I’ve been trying to grasp at what I can in moving forward with my PPD.  I have been reexamining why I’m blogging.  Coming up with a potential collaboration series within my blog/site.  I’ve been sketching ideas of a possible new venture.  I also wanted to make a big change with my faith and relationship with God and began to do so.  Blogging on here just became an after thought.

In the midst of all this, my family and I are dealing with the aftermath of being in an accident.  Last Tuesday we were rear-ended while running errands.  My husband was driving and I was in the backseat of our sedan with the boys.  I remember turning to W and reaching for his hand.  He curled his left hand around my thumb all while starting back into my eyes.  We then we got hit and I watched his face distort in shock and fear.  I think my husband started to swear.  O was babbling something in confusion.  I vaguely remember saying “What just happened?” as a ball of anxiety began to form within me.

Even thinking about it now it giving me anxiety.  I remember getting out of the backseat through the right side, legs shaking so badly that I was gripping the car to support myself as I made myself to the left side to take W out of his carseat.  By this point he was crying almost uncontrollably.  O was just wide-eyed and asking for a snack.  Throughout this I was praying. Praying in thanks and gratitude that we were all okay, the boys were okay, and praying for strength to be strong for my family.  My husband was so shaken up that he couldn’t talk so I took over with talking to the person that hit us, calling the insurance company, consoling the boys, all while trying to hold my own self together.

Right now O isn’t too fond of car rides.  It’s been some what of a daily struggle to get him to feel comfortable in the car.  Enticing him with a trip to the park doesn’t even do it.  On Monday, the only way I was able to get him into the car to a doctor’s appointment was if I promised that we’d go to a “plant store” after.  Right now all I can do is pray and take it one day at a time with him.  This has resulted in putting some of my own personal things aside, mainly making progress with overcoming my PPD.  It definitely has not been easy since I’m still dealing with pains and headaches from the accident.  I know they say that you have to take care of yourself first to help others.  However right now, my kids need me the most.

My little man with a green thumb

I’m not even angry with the person that hit us even despite what we’re going through no because of it.  What would holding onto that anger do?  Absolutely nothing that would be able to help myself or my family right now.  It also could have been much worse but it wasn’t.

This accident has shown me that I indeed can overcome my anxiety and collect myself more than I realized.   It has shown me that there is no better time than right now to start something I’ve been wanting/thinking to do.  The accident has reminded me to keep pushing forward. It also has shown me that rather than giving in, I pray.  Praying has been providing me so much comfort. Praying and seeking guidance from Him is what is keeping me moving forward right now amidst all the chaos – motherhood and life.

So I may not be blogging as much.  I may not be on twitter as much.  I may be using Instagram more.  I may also be focusing on other ventures.  I will continue on growing my relationship with God and practicing more mindfulness.  More importantly, I’m trying to work through all the chaos, not just for myself but for my family too.

signed, dee

 

Motherhood, not as pictured / Mighty Mamas – Week 3

We all had an idea of how motherhood would be like pre-kids. How has your view changed since then?
We all had an idea of how motherhood would be like pre-kids. How has your view changed since then?

We knew that motherhood requires changing diapers, kissing “ouchies” and doing whatever we possible can to care for our kids.  We only saw the broad picture of motherhood.  It’s only now being in the depths of motherhood do we truly see a different view.

Image from littleandmighty.com
Image from littleandmighty.com

This week the Mighty Mamas were asked: How is motherhood different than you pictured?

Motherhood involves a lot more heart and soul than I pictured.  While I was pregnant with my first child I knew that there was going to be so much love that I would have. I didn’t realize how intense of a love it would be.  I think the idea that I had of motherhood was just a glimmer and now that I’m starting to get deeper into motherhood, I’ve realized that there is so much love, patience, dedication in it.  I never
imagined how much I would still be able to grow as a person after becoming a mother.  My children teach me new things about myself almost every day.

I’ve learned to find beauty in motherhood and myself.  I’ve learned that laughing at myself occurs more than I thought.  I also learned that motherhood, especially postpartum, isn’t the same for everyone.

There are darker sides to motherhood, ones that are often not talked about, moments that need to be brought into the light.  PPD is something that is only touched on during pregnancy and something I definitely did not picture at all when I was thinking of motherhood before my kids.  Motherhood has definitely shown me that it is okay to reach out and ask for help.

I definitely never thought that I would find so much strength in motherhood nor did I imagine I would be drinking so much coffee!

How is motherhood different than you pictured?

Be sure to check out what the other Mighty Mamas have to say on the Little & Mighty blog and share your thoughts there too!

signed, dee

Motherhood From Afar.

Motherhood from Afar
I’m starting to try to do “motherhood from afar” meaning I’m close by but giving my son a chance to experience things on his own.

We were recently at the park after almost a week of being stuck indoors.  The weather has been gloomy and cold so we’ve been indoors.  Once I saw that the sun was trying to make its way through the clouds, I scooped the kids up and took them to the park.

double stroller strolls

As I was settling W on a blanket I had placed on the grass, O began tugging on my arm to walk around and search for pinecones.  I don’t know what it is about pinecones but he loves to examine and collect them.  With O getting older, I’m starting to notice that he is much more independent and beginning to want to explore on his own.  I’ve realized that I like encouraging him to try things on his own too.  It could be a combination of the fact that W has the majority of my attention nowadays as he is much more mobile.  I quickly looked around and realized that we were the only people at the park, so I smiled at him reassuringly, and told him to go ahead to search for pinecones.

I was still smiling to myself as I watched him slowly make his way towards were most of the pinecones seem to be.  He looked back and I once again reassured him that it was okay to go on his own.  After he found the pinecones, he was smiling to himself as he gathered them, calling back to me from time to time.

Running back with the pinecones he gathered, he was laughing gleefully to himself, and calling out “Mama, mama, look!”  I could see the happiness and look of accomplishment all over his face.  He was so proud that he gathered them himself and even more so happy that I was smiling back at him.

I definitely don’t know if I’m doing this motherhood or parenthood thing right.  I have moments where I want to hurriedly help him but hold myself back to watch him figure things out on his own.  I’ve been trying to make sure that he understands that I’m still nearby to help him but that he can try to do certain things on his own.

I know that in the future, holding myself back will be more difficult.  The situations and experiences he’ll be facing may not be full of happy moments.  I’m scared of the experiences he will face that will give him the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of loss, helplessness, and maybe anger.  I know those types of experiences will teach him such valuable lessons but it doesn’t make it easier for me.  One of the things I can do, even starting now, is to show him that no matter what I will be there for him.  Happy, sad, or disappointing time in his life – I will be there for him.  I may be doing motherhood from afar at times but I’m always ready to celebrate with him when he accomplishes something or open my arms wide to comfort him during the harder times.

signed, dee