I have had almost two months to settle in as being a mother of two. They say that each pregnancy is different and each child is different. Those statements could not be truer. Child number two has a completely different demeanor. Unlike his older brother, he can sleep forever regardless of the noise and commotion going on around him. There is a sense of calm that he holds and a curiosity that is already filling him during the moments he is awake. I’m both anxious and excited to see how he will grow up.
Post-pregnancy has been different too. With my first I struggled with depression – during and after. It was and is something that I’m still struggling with now. This time around, I had a great group of doctors and midwives that guided me throughout this last pregnancy. The terrible thing is most people, just like about depression in general, do not discuss postpartum depression. Many chalk it up to just hormones. I know my parents generation would not understand it.
The months following the birth of my first were horrible for me and at that time I didn’t know why. I’m forever thankful that my son’s pediatrician continued to ask me questions at every well-baby visit. Without him I would not have met the doctors I have now.
It was also something I kept quiet, only a few people knew about it. I think my husband had a hard time with it and just generalized it as me struggling leaving my son. That was only one of the many factors.
I often would be awake at night worrying about small things, crying to myself not understanding why. I was irritable, losing weight rapidly, everything that would normally give me comfort no longer did, and I did not want to be social. It was tiring hiding it from my family. Since my depression also included other factors outside the pregnancy/post-pregnancy, I didn’t feel comfortable opening up to my family. My body was hurting from the anxiety and stress because I was trying to deal with it on my own.
Even today I’m still trying to figure it out. I have my moments. Luckily my husband is slowly understanding it and I have my doctors to reach out to whenever I start to slip.
Ultimately I want to not only be the best mother I can be for my children, but the best person. I want to be healthy to keep up with them and live a long life to see them grow. Finding that balance as a mother, wife, and my own person is something I’m still figuring out.
How’s that for the first post after an almost 3 month hiatus?