I’ve been finding myself more emotional lately. I’m not sure if it’s because O’s birthday is approaching or if it’s due to the season. This is my favorite time of the year. I have always associated the holidays with family. I had a family-centered upbringing and during the holidays the family closeness was even more apparent.
I’ve been striving to pull myself out of the darkness of postpartum. In doing so, I find myself being thankful for a lot more. I am so thankful to have doctors guiding me. I feel that I have a strong support system medically that is looking out for my best interest and not just trying to push me along. I am thankful for a husband that is doing the best that he can to support and understand the ups and downs of my process. Most of all, I’m thankful for my two babies.
It can be easy to feel as if they are the reason I feel the way that I do. However, these two are saving me. They are the reason that I want to pull myself out completely of postpartum darkness. Although I feel pulled in so many different directions right now with a toddler and a baby, I find that I am smiling a little more than before. There are still moments where I find myself crying or just stuck due to feeling like I am doing a terrible job at motherhood. I’ve been reminding myself that this is just as much of a learning process for myself as it is for them. They are the reason I’m determined to be a great mother and give them the best that I can. I’m definitely winging this whole motherhood thing. I’m trying to take it one moment at a time and reminding myself that I can’t be perfect at it. Most importantly, I’m reminding myself to enjoy even the small moments – like these two playing footsies in our pajamas and rocking in our rocking chair.