My journey with postpartum depression (PPD) has been a very tiring one. I’m learning that it’s okay to have bad days just as it is okay to have the good days. Although I’m having my good days, it does not necessarily mean i’m not having an internal struggle with myself. I’m often reminding myself to be present, smile often, laugh often, and that I’m doing pretty good at this motherhood thing. It may be filled with a lot of yawns due to a sleepless night. It may also be where I push myself a little harder to get myself and the boys out of the house. It could also be that I simply was able to get the laundry from the washer into the dryer.
The bad days are still there. Definitely not as much as before but there. I am awake, I am functioning, I can get things done. Often I feel like I’m walking in my own cloud space. I’m still reminding myself to be present, smile often, laugh often, and look at how happy my babies are. I get so sucked into the fog of my thoughts that I stare off into space. Am I doing a good job? Am I doing this motherhood thing right? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I feel so down? “Why?” complies on top of more “Why?”
Late nights and early mornings are much harder for me during this time. I wake up on my own. There is no crying baby that needs to be consoled or fed. There is no crying toddler that had a nightmare. I wake up and I’m wide awake. I put on a book on Audible and try to fall back asleep. Often, I get up and do schoolwork. Sometimes there is crying. There is guilt for feeling the way that I do. There is definitely anger within myself for feeling this way. There is helplessness due to feeling this way. By the time I am ready to go back to sleep it usually is an hour or so before the babies wake. I don’t let myself sleep in. I get up and I take care of them. I take care of things around the house. We go run errands. We go on a walk. All of this is going on and I am encouraging myself to keep pushing forward. Encouraging myself that this is just a bad day and I can get through it. I’m encouraging myself with my boys smiles and their laughs. I’m willing the cloud above me to just go away.
I don’t know how much of a good job I’m doing with masking this from my family and close friends. It is tiring and I wish that it was something as simple as willing it to go away instantly. I know that this is a process. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that there are good days and there are bad days. Some people say it’s hormones and some people say it isn’t a real thing. It is a real thing. I not only feel it with every part of my mind and body but I am living it. I am trying to not only live through it but find a way to live without it. It’s hard not to feel like people will judge, especially those that you are close with. Will they think differently of me? Will they even want to be around me while I’m going through this?
For now I am taking it one step at a time. One doctor’s appointment at a time. I’m reminding myself to be present and be mindful. That I am doing a pretty okay job with my babies. They are happy, they are healthy, they are hitting milestones, and seem to love me even on my bad days.
What I do know, that even though I feel the way that I do, I am so SO very happy that I have my babies. They have shown me such a love that makes my chest hurt from happiness. My babies make it worth every step I’m taking to overcome PPD.