The Daunting Task: Raising the Future.

The Daunting Task of Raising the Future

You’re raising the future.

That statement alone is not only scary to read but to say as well.  with such recent events like the Orlando shooting and the Stanford rapist’s sentence it especially feels daunting.  I’ll admit that with what my family and I have recently gone through, watching and reading the news about those recent events has left me even more anxious and some what paranoid.

Getting into a car with them, I worry because I know I can drive as safe as I possibly can but I can’t be sure how other people will drive.  I worry about going to the store with my boys, worried that some one could just appear with a gun (or a number of them) and just start shooting people without a care.

Believe me, I don’t want to think this way.  I don’t want to feel so anxious that I let it overcome me and don’t take my kids out because it means driving in a car.  I don’t want to feel suspicious of people around me while I shop or go to an amusement park with my kids.  I want to cry that this is the world I’m raising my children in. A world where there are many that only see color, gender, sexual preference, or religion as means to judge people.  A world where we do not see people as humans.

I want to inspire my children to see people as humans.  As individuals with different perspectives.  Individual humans with emotions.  I want them to see that each individual human comes from a different background and upbringing.  They have had situations and experiences that have shaped them to be such individuals.  I really hope that they see that individual humans that have more to offer than their outward appearance.

I know there will be a day where I can't walk behind them or hold them close to my hip to protect them
I know there will be a day where I can’t walk behind them or hold them close to my hip to protect them.

Raising the future? More of, how do I envision my children to be like in the future?  Happy, independent, hard working, and well mannered of course.  I also want them to be decent human beings.

I know that I can only instill as much kindness, understanding, strength, and human decency as I possibly can starting the day they began growing in me. They have made me not only feeling blessed that God has given me the ability to care for them in the womb but help shape them as individuals as well.  I try my best to be mindful in not only how I react to situations as a mama but to others as well.  I see them carefully watching my facial expressions, my reactions, and my body language when I interact with people.  I want them to see that each person deserves compassion and understanding even if it may not seem like it all the time.  I hope that they reflect how they would like to be treated by others outward so it is reflected right back to them.

We’re definitely raising the future. A future that I hope is filled with more compassion, understanding, and light.

signed, dee

Amidst all the Motherhood Chaos.

Motherhood is chaotic in itself, add the rest of life, well it can be overwhelming at the least.
Motherhood is chaotic in itself, add the rest of life, well it can be overwhelming at the least.

It’s been some time since I’ve posted.  It almost feels forever.  I found myself in a strange place during the middle of last month.  It felt like so much chaos was going on, not only in life but internally as well.  Motherhood itself is filled with chaos daily.  For whatever reason, last month just felt like a pile of chaos on top of another pile of chaos.

I’ve been trying to grasp at what I can in moving forward with my PPD.  I have been reexamining why I’m blogging.  Coming up with a potential collaboration series within my blog/site.  I’ve been sketching ideas of a possible new venture.  I also wanted to make a big change with my faith and relationship with God and began to do so.  Blogging on here just became an after thought.

In the midst of all this, my family and I are dealing with the aftermath of being in an accident.  Last Tuesday we were rear-ended while running errands.  My husband was driving and I was in the backseat of our sedan with the boys.  I remember turning to W and reaching for his hand.  He curled his left hand around my thumb all while starting back into my eyes.  We then we got hit and I watched his face distort in shock and fear.  I think my husband started to swear.  O was babbling something in confusion.  I vaguely remember saying “What just happened?” as a ball of anxiety began to form within me.

Even thinking about it now it giving me anxiety.  I remember getting out of the backseat through the right side, legs shaking so badly that I was gripping the car to support myself as I made myself to the left side to take W out of his carseat.  By this point he was crying almost uncontrollably.  O was just wide-eyed and asking for a snack.  Throughout this I was praying. Praying in thanks and gratitude that we were all okay, the boys were okay, and praying for strength to be strong for my family.  My husband was so shaken up that he couldn’t talk so I took over with talking to the person that hit us, calling the insurance company, consoling the boys, all while trying to hold my own self together.

Right now O isn’t too fond of car rides.  It’s been some what of a daily struggle to get him to feel comfortable in the car.  Enticing him with a trip to the park doesn’t even do it.  On Monday, the only way I was able to get him into the car to a doctor’s appointment was if I promised that we’d go to a “plant store” after.  Right now all I can do is pray and take it one day at a time with him.  This has resulted in putting some of my own personal things aside, mainly making progress with overcoming my PPD.  It definitely has not been easy since I’m still dealing with pains and headaches from the accident.  I know they say that you have to take care of yourself first to help others.  However right now, my kids need me the most.

My little man with a green thumb

I’m not even angry with the person that hit us even despite what we’re going through no because of it.  What would holding onto that anger do?  Absolutely nothing that would be able to help myself or my family right now.  It also could have been much worse but it wasn’t.

This accident has shown me that I indeed can overcome my anxiety and collect myself more than I realized.   It has shown me that there is no better time than right now to start something I’ve been wanting/thinking to do.  The accident has reminded me to keep pushing forward. It also has shown me that rather than giving in, I pray.  Praying has been providing me so much comfort. Praying and seeking guidance from Him is what is keeping me moving forward right now amidst all the chaos – motherhood and life.

So I may not be blogging as much.  I may not be on twitter as much.  I may be using Instagram more.  I may also be focusing on other ventures.  I will continue on growing my relationship with God and practicing more mindfulness.  More importantly, I’m trying to work through all the chaos, not just for myself but for my family too.

signed, dee